


You Were There

by Gauky1976



Series: Love of My Life [1]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-02-07 04:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18613450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gauky1976/pseuds/Gauky1976
Summary: Brian and Roger have been lovers for years and best friends for even longer but have always had trouble expressing what they each mean to the other. As they watch the other sleep, thoughts and feelings come to the surface....will they ever be spoken aloud?





	1. Love of my Life (Brian)

**Author's Note:**

> My first multi-chaptered fic featuring my favourite boys Roger Taylor and Brian May.
> 
> Timelines bounce all over the place for the sake of the story

Brian watched Roger sleep after a night of passionate, yet sweet lovemaking. He marvelled at the golden hair of his lover, fanned out on the pillow illuminated by the glow of the street lamp outside the window. Even after all these years, the mere sight of the younger man took his breath away and he often found himself wondering what lucky star he fell under to have Roger Meddows Taylor in his life for all these years.

He chuckled softly as Roger moved closer in his sleep and lay a gentle kiss on his forehead, careful not to wake the younger man. He slipped out of bed, pulling on a pair of pyjama pants and walked barefooted out onto the balcony, to stare at the stars he loved so much. "I don't know why I can't tell you this in person Rog, so I'll tell it to the stars and hope that one day I can find the courage to tell you", he whispered to the breeze.

"I love you, Roger. There I said it. I have from the first time that we met all those years ago. I loved your fiery passion, whether it's for your music or those you love. I love the raspy sound of your voice when you first wake up beside me in the morning. I love the sounds you make when we kiss and the feel of your hands on my body as we make love. I even love your temper, but not when you throw things and lock yourself in the cupboard."

Brian stops and looks to the planet Mercury, wondering what Freddie would think of his confession. He chews his lip and blinked his rapidly filling eyes at the thought of his lost friend. "I have loved you from the moment you, literally and metaphorically came crashing into my life. I didn't know it then Rog, but when I saw you tunning your drums, I knew that this was the day that everything was going to change for me."

Roger's eyes fluttered open and his arm reached in the general direction of where Brian was lying when he first fell asleep. He turned over and saw the bed was empty and knew that Brian probably hadn't been able to fall asleep. He heard a soft murmuring coming from the balcony and followed the sound. He stood in the doorway and listened as Brian spoke.

"How could I have known that the missing piece of my heart was standing in front of me that day Rog? How could I have known that my soulmate was standing there under a halo of dirty blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes? How could I have known that even in my darkest hours, in the deepest, darkest pits of despair, you'd be there?"

Roger gasped softly as he listened. His dear, sweet curly headed poodle was telling the stars what he had always hoped was true...that Brian Harold May loved him and considered him to be his soulmate. He was torn...should he let Brian know that he had heard what he said or just leave it be? He didn't know and slowly turned and walked back into the bedroom, mind churning before deciding to let Brian come to him when he was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will feature Roger's POV about his beloved "curly-headed poodle" and will mention Brian's depression and suicide attempts.


	2. Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Roger)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger wonders if he should tell Brian what he overheard on the balcony that night and what that means for his relationship and friendship with Brian...

Roger wasn't sure he had heard Brian correctly, but now as he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, he knew he had always felt the same about his curly headed best friend and now he just wasn't sure what to do next. He heard Brian come back inside and quickly closed his eyes, hoping Brian wouldn't realise he was awake and had heard what he said. 

A few moments later, he heard Brian come into the bedroom and felt the dip of the mattress as the taller man lay down. Without thinking, Roger moved closer to the taller man and lay his head on Brian's chest, listening to the steady thump of the heart that lay under it...the heart that had been shattered so many times and the heart that he now silently vowed to protect and cherish forever.

All too soon Roger was awoken to bright sunshine pouring through the bedroom window and a blinding headache. He reached for Brian and his eyes fluttered open as his fingers touched the long, lean body laying beside him. He traced a finger lightly over the stubble on Brian's strong jawline and placed a gentle kiss on the closed eyelids.

"I heard you talking last night when you thought I was asleep Bri. I heard you say that you loved me and you calling me your soulmate. While there are times you are the single most frustrating man on God's green Earth, I adore you and like you, have since I first laid eyes on you all those years ago." Roger snorts, "It seems that knowing you my curly headed poodle, has turned me into a poet, but Bri, I promise you...all of what I'm about to say is true."

Roger brushes a stray curl from Brian's forehead and took a shuddering breath. "You took my breath away from the moment you walked into the room for the first time, all long legs and hair. I couldn't believe that someone so perfect could exist and that they would want to spend time with me. All my life, I've been told how gorgeous I am...all big blue eyes and blonde hair and not much between my ears. But not you Bri. Never you. You always hung on every word with a look on your face that made me feel ten foot tall and bulletproof. You looked at me like I had hung the moon and the stars you so love in the sky."

Roger smiles as he continued..."The first time I heard you play the Red Special was something I'll never forget. Even though you had your back to me, I could see how your hands were flying over her strings as you played. Looks like I may have some competition for your affections and I know that she was in your heart first. I just hope you have a little corner in your heart for me too. Even after all these years, I'm still amazed you and your dad made her by hand. I don't think I could ever create something so divine."

Roger sweeps his gaze down Brian's naked chest and shudders at the scars he sees on the pale body. "When I got the call to say you had tried to end your life after Freddie died, I swear my heart shattered. We'd already lost our leader and the thought of losing you without telling you how I felt chilled me to the bone. It was bad enough that we almost lost you after the American Tour, but to think that you thought I'd...we'd be better off without you is just bullshit!!. You are so fucking frustrating and so goddamn oblivious! You are so very loved Brian...by the fans...your family...and us...Deacy and me. I just wish I could silence the voices in that thick skull of yours. I have no idea how to tell you this, but all of it is true...I swear it and I'll do whatever it takes to prove it to you...for as long as you'll let me".


	3. Is This The Real Life...Or Is It Just Fantasy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what happens now....??
> 
> Through the reliving of a terrible moment in time and its aftermath, Brian and Roger get a few things out in the open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of PTSD, depression and suicidal thoughts. If this is a trigger for you, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE

Brian woke up with a scream that tore from his very soul, his body trembling violently, eyes darting around the room frantically. He could barely catch his breath before a lamp was switched on, bathing the room in a soft glow.

Roger's eyes had flown open at the sound of the scream. He fumbled for the lamp on the dresser beside the bed and flicked it on, flooding the room in soft light. He looked over and saw Brian sitting on the bed, head on his knees with his long thin arms wrapped around them. He was fighting a losing battle with his sobs and before he knew what he was doing, Roger had embraced Brian and pulled his head onto his shoulder as he cried.

"My arm...my arm. It's gone. I'll never play again and you'll kick me out of the band and I'll have nothing to live for!" Brian was in the midst of a full-blown panic attack and all Roger could do was gape at the older man as he relived the horror of the tour to America all those years ago.

"Bri...shhh. It's ok. You're fine. It's ok." Roger tried to soothe the older man, his heart breaking at the sound of Brian's sobs. He held up Brian's right arm and smiled softly. "Look...still attached. They didn't take it and you can still play." Roger smiles as Brian's hazel eyes flutter open and he focuses on his face. "See. Your arm is still there and has been since they didn't amputate it in 1974."

Brian turns dazed hazel eyes towards Roger and looks down to see that his right arm is still very much attached to his shoulder. He blinks rapidly and sighs. "I really don't know what makes you stay when I'm like this Roger. I'm more of a burden than a boyfriend to you and that's not fair. You're young enough to be footloose and fancy-free...not tied down with a miserable excuse for a human being like me."

Roger's eyes go wide as he hears Brian's softly spoken words. He stands to his full height, which is still remarkably small compared to his very much taller boyfriend and kisses Brian hard. He steps back and before he knows what he is doing, slaps Brian hard across the face...hard. "Stop it right now before you say something that you'll regret!" His voice is menacingly low and dripping with venom.

Brian's head reeled back from the unexpected blow, his hazel eyes widen and fill with tears. His hand flies to the impact point and he looks at Roger with a look of utter betrayal.

"Brian! I didn't mean it...I--I..." Roger stuttered as he waited for Brian's reaction to the slap.

Brian walked out of the bedroom, not looking back. Roger heard Brian's feet on the stairs and the front door slam. It was only then that he realised that Brian had gone and he had no idea where he would go at this time of night. He could only hope that Brian would stay safe and not do anything he'd regret.


	4. Waiting For The Hammer To Fall (Brian)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....So what happens now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of violence, depression and PTSD

Brian can still feel the sting of Roger's hand meeting his cheek as he stands in front of the door to what was once his and Roger's home. He hadn't wanted to go back, but after spending the night sobbing on John's shoulder, he had realised that he had left the Red Special sitting on her stand in the corner of the bedroom. John, bless him, had offered to get her, but Brian had refused, knowing it was something he needed to do for himself.

He opened the front door and walked in, memories of he and Roger assaulting his senses as he walks through the house towards the bedroom. Roger didn't appear to be home and his feet guided him to the bedroom without much thought being given. He walks to the cupboard, opens it and pulls the well-loved guitar case from the top shelf, laying it on the bed and opening it.

"I'm sorry it ended up like this Lady. I knew it was too good to be true." Brian picks up his beloved Red Special and lays her in her case. He looks around as he runs his hands over the neck of the guitar. "He slapped me Red...he raised his hand and struck me. I know he has a firey temper....but I never, ever thought he could or would do that....especially not to someone he claims to love." 

Roger walks through the house and upstairs, hearing a soft voice coming from the bedroom. He opens the door and sees a very familiar curly head bending over something laying on the bed. His breath catches in his throat as he realises it's Brian packing up the Red Special and putting her into her case.

Brian snaps the case shut and picks it up, turning as he does so. He looks up and sees Roger standing in front of him. He instinctively flinches as his hand tightens around the handle of the guitar case. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were home, but I needed to pick up the Old Girl," he holds up the case. "I'll be going now."

"Bri..." He breathes as the guitarist moves towards the door. Brian looks over at him and shakes his head as he walks downstairs. Roger follows him, grabbing his arm. "Brian please..." he begs, not sure why he wants the taller man to stay. He is unsurprised when Brian shakes off his grip and keeps walking, not looking back.

"Oh my God...what have I done?" Roger breathes as he falls to his knees.


	5. Too Much Love Will Kill You (Roger/Adam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The realisation of what the slap means for his and Brian's relationship haunts Roger. He has no idea what to do and confesses all to a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An angst filled chapter to whom the usual warnings about mental illness and violence applies. 
> 
> PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF THIS IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU

Roger sank to his knees as he heard the door close behind Brian as the older man left the house they once shared. Brian had told him once that love was the most important thing in the world and that nothing else mattered, but watching Brian walk out the door with the Red Special in his hands left him wondering if he would ever hear those words come from the guitarist's mouth again.

His eyes flick around the room, the room he and Brian had shared. So many reminders of their time together are strewn around it--Brian's tee shirt hanging over the chair in the corner, rumpled sheets on the bed, a pile of laundry that still needed to be put away all reminded him of the life he and Brian had shared before he did the unthinkable and slapped him. He always knew his quickfire anger would get the better of him one day but he never thought it would cause him to hurt the one person he loved more than life itself.

After God knows how long, Roger pulls himself up and looks around the room. He can't shake the image of Brian's shocked look after he'd hit him and knew that it wasn't going to be easy to win his curly headed guitarist back. He took a shuddering breath as he paced around the room thinking of what he could do and grabbed his phone from the dresser.

Roger's fingers flew over the numbers as he dialled an all too familiar number. He waited impatiently for the person on the other end of the phone to pick up.

"Adam. It's Roger. Uhhh I'm not sure how to tell you this....but I hit Brian..."

Adam listens to the man on the other end of the phone confess to hitting one of the gentlest, kindest, soft-hearted souls on the planet. "You did what?" He explodes in disbelief as he listens to Roger's confession.

Roger cringes as he hears Adam's reaction but can't say he blames the younger man for it. If it was anyone else telling him that they had resorted to violence against Brian, he knows that he would have reacted the very same way. "I don't know what happened. He was saying that I didn't deserve him and was better of without him and then I hit him." Roger tried to explain.

"Oh Jesus Roger. " Adam takes a steadying breath at the sound of Roger's shaky voice. "What happened after that?"

"He left, but today he was there getting Red when I got home from going for a walk. He said that he was sorry he was there and that he didn't know I was home." Roger takes a gulping breath to calm himself as he retells the story to Adam. "I don't know what to do or say to tell him how truly sorry I am."

"How could you do it to him of all people Roger, especially when he sounds like he was depressed? How the fuck could you raise a hand to the man you've said time and again is...dare I say it...the love of your life?"

"I don't know Goddammit! Do you think if I knew why I did it, that I wouldn't have stopped myself? I will never, ever forget the look on his face and in his eyes after I did it! He was scared of me. He left without looking back and I have no idea where he ended up or if he was okay until he came back to get Red this morning...and you know what he said to me? He apologised for being in our home...for being in our bedroom Adam." By now Roger was sobbing and barely able to breathe but he had to tell Adam the whole story no matter how hard it was.

Adam's heart breaks for the older man and he blinks back tears. "Listen...I'm going to be in London for the start of rehearsals next week. You and I are going to sit and work this out no matter how long it takes. You two belong together and love each other more than any two people I've ever met."

Roger nods even though his stomach drops at the thought of being so close to Brian on the tour. He just hoped Adam was right and they could work out what to do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how will Adam react when he realises what happened and how will he help Roger win back Brian?
> 
> How will Brian react?
> 
> ALL WILL BE REVEALED!!


	6. You're My Best Friend (John/Brian)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has no idea what happened or why Brian ended up on his doorstep late one night in tears, but he's going to find out one way or another and help his friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a huge roll with this so am posting as many chapters as I can while I'm motivated to do it and while inspiration is striking.
> 
> As always, there are mentions of depression and violence in this chapter so please do not read if these things are triggers for you.

Brian sat on the bed in the Deacon family's spare room, mindlessly strumming the Red Special. He hadn't gotten out of bed for days and John was starting to get concerned that he was spiraling towards a deep depression. Brian hadn't spoken more than a few words since he turned up on his doorstep near tears a few days ago and the bass player's mind was working overtime, trying to think of ways to get his friend to talk.

Veronica had left them alone and nudged her husband towards the spare room with a soft smile. John kissed her forehead and walked upstairs with two cups of tea in his hands. He taps on the door with a soft knock and is unsurprised when there is no answer from the older man on the other side. He opens the door and slowly walks into the room, eyes slowly adjusting to the dim light.

"What happened that has you in such a state Bri?" John asks softly, placing Brian's cup on the bedside table.

Brian turns a tear-streaked face towards John where he sees the light mark of a fading bruise on the porcelain skin. John gasps as he sees the mark..."Oh my God, Bri...who did this to you?"

Brian's face crumples as he softly whispers "Roger. He did this to me."

John feels the air sucked from his lungs as he sits on the bed beside the long lean frame of one of his best friends. "What? Roger did this to you? Why?"

"I made him angry."

John gasps at the stark admission. "No Brian. No matter how angry you make him, there's no reason to strike you."

Brian nods and turns away from John, clinging to the neck of the Red Special. "I told him he'd be better off finding someone other than me. He kissed me and then slapped me." Brian admits.

John's mouth drops open. "How could you think that Brian? He adores you and thinks you hung the stars in the sky."

"I'm worthless John. I'm nothing...less than nothing. He is so beautiful and full of passion and life...he needs someone like that and not someone like me to drag him down."

"Brian! Stop right now." John's voice is soft but firm. "Roger loves you. Yes he was angry and he struck you but trust me, you are all he wants...all he needs. He's told me so many times how much he loves you and couldn't imagine life without you."

John gently takes Brian's face in his hands and forces the older man to look at him. "I bet, right now, he's beside himself with worry about you."

"Can you please leave me alone?" Brian yanks his head away and lies down with his back to John.

"I'll be downstairs" John takes the now cold teacups and walks downstairs, very worried for Brian and his state of mind.


	7. Face It Alone (Brian/Roger/Adam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian considers the unthinkable as the Rhapsody Tour rehearsals begin. Will Roger get to him before it's too late??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide Please do not read if this triggers you in any way

A FEW WEEKS LATER....

Brian stood on the edge of the bridge, one hand holding onto the railing tightly. He felt dazed after the events of the last few weeks and wondered how long he could hold on before letting himself fall over the edge, into the swirling water below. The new world tour was fast approaching and he, Roger and Adam had been rehearsing without much success during the last few weeks.

Roger...just thinking about the drummer brought tears to his eyes. Ever since Roger and struck him, he was frightened to be around the younger man. His short fuse and fiery temperament was enough to bring on a panic attack and have Brian cowering in fear, waiting to be struck again.

Roger was frantic. "How the hell could he think he was a failure after all that's happened? How could he think we'd be better off without him?" Roger’s mind was screaming at him to find his soulmate before he did the unthinkable and end his life before he could tell him how sorry he truly was.  


He sees Brian’s car in the parking lot and pulls up. He looks around for where the older man could be. "Oh no Bri..godamnit no!" He thinks as he gets out of the car and runs.

Brian feels his hand starting to slip and grabs onto the railing tightly. He starts to sway and hears what he thinks is a distant voice calling out. He shakes his head to clear it but the voice seems to be getting louder. "Brian Where are you? Damnit, Brian!! Answer me!” The distant voice screams. He looks up...he knows that voice....but why would he be here now...after all that's happened?

Adam runs over to where Roger is standing, "Please tell me you found him." he pants breathlessly.

Roger looks down shaking his head sadly on the verge of tears. "I can't lose him, Adam. Not now...not like this. Not when I have so much I want to say to him."

Adam nods his head towards a nearby path. "Let's look down this way and if we can't find him, we'll go and call the police. He takes off at a run and Roger follows quickly behind him. They come to the end of the path and see a bridge. Adam scans the area and his eyes fall on a tall curly-headed figure on the other side. The hair is white and unmistakably could only belong to one man. "Brian!" The name tears from his throat before he has had time to think.


	8. Soul Brother (Adam, Brian, Roger, Rufus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does Adam get Brian to change his mind about doing the unthinkable?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Themes of suicide make up a great deal of this chapter so as usual, if this is a trigger for you, please do not read.

"Brian! For God's sake get down!" Roger's voice cut through the air as he and Adam run towards the bridge.

"Stay back or I'll let go!" Brian screams, head turning at the sound of Roger's voice. "I mean it! Stay back or I'll do it!"

"Brian! Please listen to us." Adam begs. "We found the note on Red's case. Roger, Rufus, Pete, and I...we know you wouldn't just leave Red behind for no reason so please talk to us...tell us why you want to jump." Pete and Rufus run over and watch the unfolding scene.

"You wanna know? You really do wanna know huh? After what happened, why wouldn't I? I can't stand being alive anymore." He looks over at Roger. "The man I love and have loved for over 40 years raised a hand in violence to me and I keep playing it over again in my mind. I can't play the music I wrote and have played thousands of times because that vicious loop is taking up too much space in my brain...."

Roger's hands cover his mouth at the sound of Brian's devastating confession. He knew the slap had affected Brian, just not how deeply.

"You shouldn't waste your time on me and you all, every one of you, would be better off if I was dead. Pete," Brian's head turns towards his shaggy-headed guitar tech and right-hand man standing next to Rufus. "Look after the Old Lady for me. You know her better than I do. Rufus.. promise me that you'll look after your father for me. You'll do a far better job of it than I ever did." Brian looks over at Adam, the young man who reminds him so much of Freddie. "Don't let the music die Adam. It deserves to be heard and to have you sing it."

Brian finally turns his tear-streaked face towards Roger. "I'm so, so sorry for everything Rog. For not being what you deserved in a boyfriend. For letting you down so totally, time and again. I have loved you ever since I saw you tuning your drums for the first time. You took my breath away, and you still, do."

While Brian's attention is diverted, Adam moves towards him, ready to drag him off the bridge. He nods towards Rufus to let him know what he was planning and to keep Brian talking. 

"What the hell do you mean Bri? You are all I ever wanted...all I needed. You know that I love you and if you died, I would fall apart." Roger is sobbing openly now and doesn't care who sees it. His eyes are firmly on Brian as he says the words to his soulmate, that he should have said years ago.

"If I could have stopped myself from raising my hand and striking you that night, you know I would. I feel ill at the thought of how much I hurt you by doing it, but I can't. It happened but all I can say is I am so truly sorry for it. I will do whatever it takes, for the rest of my life to prove it to you. So I beg you. Please, don't do it. Don't jump." Roger pleads, breathing hitching as he speaks.

Adam grabs Brian and drags him back off the railing, falling in a heap with Brian landing next to him with a soft thud. Adam wraps his arms around Brian's rigid frame and a few seconds later, a piercing scream tears from Brian's throat, shattering the silence. "So sorry...so sorry for everything."

Roger goes to move towards the two men but a hand on his arm stops him. He turns around and looks into his son's eyes. "Give them a moment dad."

Brian's face is buried in Adam's shoulder and he's sobbing brokenheartedly. Adam raises his head and looks around. "Bri will stay with me tonight as I don't think it would be smart to leave him alone. Pete? Can you call John Deacon and Miami to let them know we found Bri and he's safe? Rufus, take your dad home and keep an eye on him and I'll call you later." The two men nod at the instructions and Pete moves away to make the call. 

Roger looks over at Brian, feeling guilty. "Come on dad. Adam will look after him so he'll be safe." Rufus guides his father away. Roger gets into Rufus' car, Brian's scream echoing in his ears as he and his son head for home.


	9. It's A Beautiful Day (Adam/Brian)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Brian's breakdown will affect them all in ways they could never have imagined, but none more so than Adam. He wants answers to why Brian thought jumping off a bridge was a good idea. Will Brian give him them? What will it mean for his and Brian's friendship? How will they both heal and move forward?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CUTENESS WARNING: Mentions of the hedgehogs and badgers that Brian has on his estate

It had been a few days since Brian's suicide attempt and Adam is still shaking. The thought of losing his dear friend shook him to the core. Without making it obvious to the guitarist, he, Roger, Rufus, John, and Pete were all keeping watch over him, making sure he wasn't left alone for more than a few seconds. Adam had moved in with Brian and was sitting in the hedgehog run, watching the small creatures Brian loved so much, running around.

He felt a small knock to his leg and looked down to see Lulu, Brian's favourite badger attacking his shoelaces. He smiles as he picks up the small creature and nuzzles his nose into her soft fur. "You are just too cute. I know why he loves you so much." 

Brian walks down the path to the enclosure and hears Adam's voice. He stops and watches the younger man and smiles at the sight. He clears his throat softly, not wanting to startle the younger man. "Be careful or Miss Lulu will eat your shoelaces."

Adam startles slightly at the sound, not expecting to see Brian out of bed. "Too late...she already has." He tries to keep the tremble out of his voice. He places Lulu on the ground and turns to face Brian. "Didn't expect to see you out here this morning." He tries to keep things light but looks away from Brian, chewing his lip.

The older man shrugs. "It's a nice day and I wanted to spend some time with the little ones."

"Why did you do it?" The question slips out before Adam can stop it. "Why did you think jumping off a goddamn bridge was the answer to what happened? Did you ever stop and think what it would have done to us all if you jumped?" Adam is furious and jumps to his feet pacing. "For one second, did you stop to think how Roger would have felt if you had?" Adam is barely keeping control.

"Yes, I did." Brian's voice is barely above a whisper. "I have thought of nothing else since he slapped me."

Adam stops pacing and gapes at the older man. "Then why even consider it?"

Brian takes a moment and turns away to compose himself. "When you have a love like we have--a love that is all-encompassing, total, entire and it's suddenly taken away from you by a single action in a single moment, you wonder if you'll ever truly get over its loss. You push it so far down inside of you that you hope and pray that you will never, ever have to speak of or think of it again. You end up with a gaping hole in the middle of your chest---right where your heart used to be and you wonder if the wound that is left--that gaping, weeping, all-encompassing wound-- will ever really heal. And it never, ever will." Brian stops and takes a shuddering breath. "So the only thing you can think of to do is end it all and hope that the damage to those left behind is not too great. It's so much easier to do that and pretend that it never existed so you never have to think of it again and suddenly, it's right in front of you, smacking you right between the eyes and leaving you doubled over, gasping for air. Flinching every time he brushes past you, wondering if you'll ever make him that angry again. So that's why Adam." He faces the younger man with an unreadable expression on his face and a blank look in his eyes.

"You fucking idiot! For the smartest man in the room, you are a dumb fucker! How the hell do you think I felt when Rufus and I saw you on that bridge...when you screamed at us that you were gonna let go!" Adam wipes an arm across his face. "You know what? You're so right. I can't know what the love you and Roger have together felt like as I've never felt it. But if I did, I would never, ever throw it away. Yes he hit you and that was very wrong, but he loves you. Don't you dare throw it away." Adam places Lulu into Brian's arms and walks inside.

Brian watches Adam go and looks down at the badger in his arms. He places her on the ground and wipes his face with the back of his hand. He wonders if Adam is right and that it would destroy Roger if he had died. He hoped he could have another chance with the drummer and prayed that it wasn't too late to repair things between them.


	10. See What A Fool I've Been (Brian/Roger)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Brian to see Roger again. How will they both react? Will they be able to repair the relationship?

Brian couldn’t get Adam’s words out of his head for the rest of the morning. “Yes, he hit you and that was very wrong, but he loves you. Don't you dare throw it away,” kept echoing in his mind as he drove towards the rehearsal studio.

He picks up the Red Special and walks into the rehearsal room where he knew Roger and Adam would be waiting. While in some ways he was absolutely dreading seeing them again, he knew that it would be great to get back to doing something that was as much second nature to him as breathing. He walks in and handed the Old Lady to Pete who took her and hooked her up to the bank of amps in the corner. He looks over to the drum kit and sees, Adam, Roger and Rufus deep in conversation and decides to start tuning Red and not disturb them.

The unmistakable sound of a chord coming from the Red Special was enough to have the three heads turning around. Roger’s face paled when he laid eyes on Brian for the first time since the day he saw him about to end his life. Roger was very thankful that his red, bloodshot eyes that came from the sleepless nights and endless tears were hidden by his trademark dark sunglasses. "Are you okay dad?" Rufus whispers as Roger shakes his head.

"Fine son. You just concentrate on making me sound good huh?" The strained sound of his voice left Rufus with no doubt how his father was really feeling after seeing Brian again.

The hours flew past with music filling the air just like the old days. The inevitable arguments about whose solo goes where in the setlist came and went with Brian shrugging and agreeing with everything that was said, which was very unusual. He was scared that if Roger got angry, he would strike him again, even though he knew full well it was just his over-active, paranoid brain playing tricks on him. 

Pete took Adam aside and whispered, "I know Brian and have for years. This is not like him...to be so agreeable to everything Roger wants, says or does."

"I totally agree." Adam nods. "What should we do?"

"Call it a day and let them talk, " the shaggy-headed tech answers. "The only time I've seen him like this was when I first met him after Freddie died. He's terrified."

Brian stands and turns to pick up Red's case at the same time Roger picks it up to hand it to him. Brian feels a shudder go through him as his fingers brush Roger's and he gasps softly, before pulling his hand away. "I'm sorry." He gasps and turns his back on Roger, carefully placing his beloved Old Lady in her resting place.

Roger steps back, his trembling lip betraying his feelings to Brian's reaction. "It's okay. I should have known you were going to pick it up." 

Rufus, Pete, and Adam quietly leave the two men alone. "I guess I should be going." Roger grabs his jacket from a nearby chair and shrugs it on.

"I'll see you then I guess." Brian agrees as he picks up Red's case and goes to walk off. Brian feels Roger's hand on his arm and he spins around to face him.

"Wait...we need to talk..."


	11. Who Needs You (Brian/Roger)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long over-due talk takes place.

Brian sits impassively, arms folded, staring straight at Roger. "You want to talk, do it. I really want to hear what you have to say to me now."

Roger chews his lip and stares at Brian. "You know. I have rehearsed this in my mind so many times...to apologise to you for what happened. To tell you how I wish I could take back hitting you...to beg you for your forgiveness...." he stops shaking his head sadly. "I know I fucked up badly but you could say something you know?"

Roger shudders at the coldness he sees in Brian's hazel eyes. "What the hell do you want me to say? You hit me with an open palm, right across the face Roger. You raised a hand in anger to me."

"Damnit, Brian! I know I did but then again, you did say I'd be better off without you...and maybe you're right. I can't make this better if you're not willing to hear me out. Yes, I hit you...the worst thing I could ever have done to you...I know that and I don't expect you to forgive me right away, if at all, but I deserve the chance to try."

Brian stands to his full height, eyes blazing. "You deserve it? What did I do to deserve your handprint across my face, Roger? Explain to me so I understand why you think violence is the way to solve problems. Explain to me why the hell I should believe you when you look me straight in the eyes and tell me you love me." The venom is unmistakable.

Roger shudders at the coldness in Brian's voice. "There's nothing I can say to you is there?"

Brian stands and picks up his guitar case. "Even if there was, I'm not sure I'd believe you."

Roger looks down chewing his lip. "Fair enough. Guess I'll see you around sometime.

Brian walks out, nodding towards Pete, Adam, and Rufus who had just walked in. Rufus takes one look at his father's ashen face and races over to him. "Dad. Did you talk to Brian? What happened?"

Roger slides to the floor gasping. "It's over Ru. Brian and I are through."


	12. The Loser In The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger contemplates life without Brian

"Wait...what the hell do you mean that you and Brian are over?" Rufus looks at his father in disbelief.

"You heard me Ru. He left. He doesn't trust me so he walked out." Roger is trying very hard not to break down but he feels the tears filling his eyes. "There's nothing I can do...I've lost him."

"You just need to give him time. You know what he's like... analyzing every little thing." Adam can't believe that two of the most important people in his life are tearing apart. "He loves you Rog. You know that."

"But what's the point of loving someone when they don't trust you? Love is fine...wonderful even but without trust...what's the point?" 

"So you give up? Give up on the man you've loved for over 50 years?" Adam asks incredulously. "I'm going to say to you, what I told him after he tried to jump off that bridge. I may not know what it feels like to love someone as totally as you love Brian and he loves you but I know one thing for sure. If I ever found someone who I loved and who loved me like that, I would fight tooth and damn nail to keep them. Yes, Roger, you slapped him and it was the worst thing you could have done to him, especially when he's depressed, but the reason he's taking it so hard is because he loves you....and if you throw away 50 years of love without a fight, then you're a fucking idiot and deserve to be alone. But, If you didn't love him as much as you do, even now, why did you react the way you did when you saw him on that bridge?"

Roger goes to answer but stops. "Because...I didn't want him to die before I could show him how sorry I am", he says after a few seconds.

"Give him some time Rog. We'll work out how to win him back....just not right now okay?"

Roger nods as Rufus and Adam envelop him in a hug. He felt slightly better but wondered if what Adam said was true....that Brian still loved him, even after the slap. He silently vowed to do whatever it took to make it up to the curly-headed guitarist and would do so for the rest of his life if need be.


	13. Father To Son (Brian/Jimmy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Father and son have a talk about what really matters.
> 
> With an appearance by Brian's son Jimmy.

Jimmy May was concerned. He had never seen his father look so crushed before. He chews his lip as he watches his father stare at the same spot on the wall that he had been staring at for the last four hours.

Brian’s eyes flick over to where his eldest child stands. The sweet boy that was the light of his life along with his two sisters. The boy who brought him so much joy and who taught him what true, unconditional love was.

“I didn’t see you there son.”

“You’re not seeing much of anything are you?” Jimmy speaks softly. He chews his lip, being careful not to scold his father. “You’re scaring me dad.”

“Am I? I’m sorry.” Brian looks down swallowing.

“Yes, you are. I’ve only ever seen you like this twice before…when Grandpa and Uncle Freddie died. I was too young to understand it then, but now I know something bad happened and I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” Jimmy pleads, trying to make his father understand.

“You remember when you were a child, your mother and I taught you and your sisters that you never raise a hand to someone in anger or resort to violence to solve your problems?” Jimmy nods at the question, remembering the lesson that he and his sisters were taught from an early age. “Well someone who I thought cared for me, did that.”

“Who? Who did it to you?” 

“It doesn’t matter. That part of my life is over now.”

Jimmy thinks for a moment, the horror, as he realizes who it was, is shown on his face. “Oh my God. Dad….did Roger hit you?”

Brian flinches at the mention of Roger’s name but says nothing. “Your silence tells me, everything dad. He hit you, didn’t he?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over!”

“Yes, it does! He hit you! I’m gonna kill him! He hurt you, dad!”

Brian looks up at his son who is on the verge of a panic attack. “James May! Have you already forgotten the lesson I taught you as a child? Violence doesn’t solve anything! Yes, it was Roger and maybe I deserved it, but it will only make things worse if you hurt him.”

Jimmy looks ready to burst into tears. “I’ll be okay son, but you have to promise me that you’ll calm down and not do anything you’ll regret.”

Brian pulls his son into a tight hug and feels his body shake with sobs. “He hurt you, dad. How could he?”

“Oh, my sweet boy, I don’t know…but it’s nothing for you to worry about okay?” He feels Jimmy nod against his chest. He cups his son’s face in his hands, wiping away the tears with his thumbs and kisses his forehead. He just hoped that what he told Jimmy was the truth and that things would work out in the end.


	14. Pain Is So Close To Pleasure (Jimmy/Roger)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy lets Roger know how he really feels about what happened

Jimmy stands at the front door of the house that his father and Roger once shared, fist raised, ready to knock. He had been debating for days whether or not he should go and visit Roger and despite the promise he had made his father, he found himself standing at the front door.

He knocks three times and waits to see who would open the door. Unsurprisingly, it's Roger who opens it and comes face to face with the younger May. "Jimmy. It's been a while."

"Why did you do it, Roger?" The younger May asks the man who had been a part of his life for as long as he could remember. "Why did you hit him?"

Roger's face paled. "Who told you that?"

"Answer the question, Roger. Why did you hit him?"

"I wish I knew. He told me he wasn't worth me wasting my time on...that I was better off without him. Did he tell you that he stood on a bridge, right in front of me, Adam, Rufus, and Pete and threatened to jump? Did he also tell you that he doesn't trust me and ended the relationship?" Roger shakes his head. "Didn't think so."

"Do you love him?"

Roger looks at his lover's son...so much like his father that it took his breath away. "More than you'll never know Jimmy. I've loved him for over 50 years and even though we're no longer together, that will never change."

Jimmy nods and smiles sadly. "He's gonna kill me for coming here you know, but I needed to know."

Roger nods. "How is he?"

"Not good but you know how he is."

Roger smiles sadly. "Yeah, I do."


	15. Teo Torriate (Brian)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian remembers....

Brian wakes up with a raging migraine. He squints at the alarm clock beside his bed and sees that it’s 7 am. “Oh great, overslept again” he mutters as he sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

He yawns as he rubs his eyes and looks around the room…the room that he used to share with Roger. He chews his lip and wonders if he should call Roger to see how he is.

He hears the doorbell ring and pulls on his slippers and dressing gown as he walks downstairs. He opens the front door and sees that no-one is there. He is about to close the door when he looks down and sees a small cherry blossom tree in a pot on the doorstep. He bends down to pick up the pot and sees that there is no note attached and he has no clue who it could be from.

He closes the door and walks inside and into the kitchen, wondering who the gift could be from. He closes his eyes and inhales the scent of the blossoms and tries not to remember the trip to Japan—the tour which he fell head over heels in love with a certain blonde drummer who had stolen his heart, mind, and soul. He tried desperately not to remember their first kiss and the taste of Roger’s sweet lips against his own, or the first time they’d made love and how happy they were.

He feels a light breeze against his cheek and turns around to see Freddie standing in front of him. “That was a great tour wasn’t it Brimi? The crowds….playing to packed houses…and the best part, for me at least, was watching you and Roger fall in love.”

“Don’t Fred. Just don’t.” The warning in Brian’s soft voice was clear.

“I’m only telling you what happened as I saw it, Maggie. You’d been circling each other for months before it and you know it. For the life of me, I have no idea what it was about Japan that had you both finally acting on how you felt for each other.”

“The cherry blossoms.”

“Pardon?” Freddie looks slightly confused.

Brian chews his lip. “We had just finished a day of promo work and we were in the garden…you know the one where we had that photo shoot. You and John and the crew had left and it was just me and Roger. He looked so perfect…so angelic…and he leaned over and kissed me. He wasn’t drunk or stoned like he usually was…” Brian trails off. "The breeze had blown some of the blossoms off the tree and they landed on his head. He looked like a garden sprite or something but at that moment, there was nothing in the universe as beautiful as he was then and there.”

Freddie smiles softly. “Funny the things you remember.”

Brian finds himself gazing at the cherry blossom tree that he’d put on the table. “A shame it’s all over now isn’t it?”

“Is it though?” Freddie fades away and leaves Brian to his thoughts.

He picks up his phone, mind whirling and dials a familiar number. “Roger it’s me. Can we talk?”


	16. Feelings, Feelings (Brian/Roger)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Roger it’s me. Can we talk?”
> 
> Roger and Brian have a long over-due heart to heart talk

Roger heard his phone ring and grabs it without looking at the caller ID. “Roger it’s me. Can we talk?” His heart stops as he hears the soft voice, he thought he’d never hear again. “Uhhh…sure Brian,” he clears his throat and tries to calm his racing heart. “Of course, we can.”

A few minutes later, Brian knocks on the front door, heart racing, palms sweating, wondering if this was actually a good idea. He had the cherry blossom pot under his left arm and chews his lip as he waits.

Roger wipes his hands down his jeans as he walks downstairs to open the door. He looks into Brian’s eyes and finds his throat has suddenly gone dry. He looks up and down at Brian before clearing his throat and inviting him in.

Brian takes off his coat and hangs it on the hook inside the door. “It’s good to see you again Bri.” Roger says cautiously, not wanting to break the fragile peace.

“Yeah, you too Rog.” Brian agrees nodding.

Roger chuckles softly, “God. I can’t believe how calm you’re being about this…I mean wanting to see me and all. I thought you’d come in all guns blazing, ready for a fight. “

“I did think of that, but it wasn’t going to help. And if you think I’m calm…believe me, I’m not. I changed my mind ten times before walking out the front door to come here you know.”

“Where are my manners? Could I get you a drink?” 

“No thanks, but if you want one, by all means.”

Roger looks up at Brian, waiting for him to speak. “Uhh…I found this on the doorstep this morning,” he says holding out the cherry blossom to Roger, “and it got me thinking about the tour to Japan and how I knew that I was in love with you.”

Roger chews his lip, “Was in love with me?”

“Am still in love with you.” Brian answers.

Roger does a double take at Brian’s words, searching his face for any sign that the guitarist was joking. “You…you still love me…after what I did to you?”

Brian nods, looking down. “I never stopped Rog. I mean…you did what you did…but you have to promise me, if we try again, you will never, ever raise a hand to me again. No matter what.”

Roger doesn’t hesitate. “I promise….I promise you.”

“Would it be too forward of me to ask if I could kiss….”

Brian doesn’t even get to finish his sentence before Roger is cupping his face in his hands and kissing him. It was a kiss full of promise, love, and hope for the future. Roger pulls away and grins. “Welcome home Bri.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought this would be a nice place to end this particular story....but don't worry...there is still much more to come. 
> 
> Thanks to all who have read, loved and left comments and/or kudos on this work. As this was my first time writing this pairing and posting, I was quite nervous about what people would think but knowing have enjoyed it as much as I have writing it makes me very happy indeed


End file.
